///distilled///

after driving home in the white out friday night, tom and i have constructed a heavily-jointed emotional bond.
(he is the silly putty of my universe.)
and there was the interview, and the sleeping and the motion and the colors and lights
(not the proverbial lights, i actually saw them all spinning together harmoniously....)
and i had my first thoughtless sensation of feeling. alex was right. it isn't anything like knowing. it's pure.
i tried to explain the whole thing to bui, but he wasn't with me on it.

here's how it was:

i wake up cast with light from a naked bulb.l ying there in the early hours of morning in the midst of mountians of blankets. tom re-enters the room and gets into bed. there is momentary silence. he tells me about some bikes he's seen, but i have a hard time comprehending because my mind isn't exactly there. the lights became increasingly significant, i wanted more thatn ever to hold someone in my arms, but not to violate him (he is something special). i confessed to him that i was having an actual feeling. he probably thought i was going mad. but i wanted to call alex and shout it that i knew. i did not because it was 3 am. i had to settle with knowing myself, and i suppose that's what it's really all about. like that poem in the perks of being a wallflower.

back to the future. i suppose that's what i could call my present. i always seem to be sitting out of it. great scott! it's time to begin the early editiouns of inaugural assassins.